Life…

The world around me stopped. Suddenly things around me blurred out and my ears loses ability to hear words, the nerves losing control over my body… I close my eyes as tight as possible to regain consciousness and found myself in doctor’s consultation room. I remember I came for consultation and everything else, eyes got teary, then heard my mom’s voice and tried my level best to hold them back. The doctor mentioned that it should be removed immediately. She googled to show me what is “sebaceous cyst”. Explaining about the removal process, I understood nothing coz I cannot hear or think. Only thing I understood was I needed a minor surgery on my head to remove the cyst. I walked numb towards my favorite Ramly burger stall but seriously I didn’t want to have any, lost my appetite(use to be so excited seeing them but that night I was not hungry at all) I had to get something coz I need to eat to take my medication and to convince my family: I am strong(very important). Walked home and sat on the rotating chair and thinking…………….

Suddenly  I remembered the doctor letter to be brought to the hospital, got the name of the cyst and googled the causes. Left me in devastated state than before with words like cancer and many many more appearing on the search results. Then, I wanted to change that cyst overnight so that when I go to the hospital the next day, they will say that it is not that and nothing at all. I googled on home remedy to fix them,with the result I saw light in my dark alley where they said it is not that serious and don’t worry. I breathe in so much relieve but still confused on what to do. I know that the cysts is not dangerous but there are so many possibilities. The needle and injection will not kill a man but in fact saved many but the fear or the loss of hope on them will. I slowly turned to my mother and I have never seen her more broken than that day. I grew strong that moment I saw her  and explaining to her it is not serious and explaining how it is done as if it was her. The next day went to the hospital, the doctor said it is not that bad as the one written on the letter(Allah’s miracle) and we can decide whether it should be removed in one week time with a follow-up. She was seriously so comforting. That one week was so so difficult, the house was so so quiet and smiles were forced. Syarif didn’t make eye contact with me or fight with me like he used to. I took those 7 days as my last 7 days, every second became important. I need to do everything I need to do in that 7 days. I was so scared the day I have to leave the world is near. I was not scared to die and it is not like I am really ready too. I truly believe that Allah is the place we return to but thinking about the four people in my life. I was worried. How will they cope? What will they do without me? Will they be okay? Will something bad happen to them? How will Syarif progress in life? Was seriously a torture. Allah is the place I complaint and I felt better. Not a day I slept peaceful. Those 7 days were an eye opener to so many things as well, I realized and found things that were the most important to me.

Like I said before, 24 hours were so so precious and not sufficient to fulfill everything I wanted to do. The things that were important to me become vivid and does not need any further explanation. I was so so busy making memories with the ones I loved and fulfilling responsibility. I left office sharp on time coz I wanted to spend more time with my loved ones. So many thoughts in mind and body so so weak, yet pushing my self to do more and more. Make use of every second coz every second count.. Basically everything that I claim I couldn’t and regretted the hours spent vain in life. Sat down and thinking of what I have accomplished in life, how to make my absence less felt and what did I do for my loved one. Walking so confidently but completely shattered inside. Confused whether “should  I go and do things” or “completely shut myself from the world”. Should I leave letters. Finally here comes the seventh day, the doctor confirm that it is sebaceous cyst and I can choose whether I want to remove it or not. It was not that serious. Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah. I use to think that informed death are good ones but seriously wasn’t. Leaving these to the hands of Allah Almighty.

Important note I would love to leave behind this post is that if you are ever confused or having difficulty deciding what is impotant in life, ask yourself these questions “If you know you are going to die, what is important to you?”, “If you are leaving the last days of your lives, are you going to do things or shut yourself from the world?”, “Is an extra hour at work or missing event really worthy?”, “Are you going to live your life the same way if you know you are dying?”.

Allah knows the best. Health is wealth. Like Robin Sharma says “Good health is a crown on the head of a well person that only sick person can see”. Every moment is important, live them and cheer them. ♥